Hi (:
My name is Stella.
Seventeen candles on the 24th December '10. I ♥ cMusic, ROBERT PATTINSON, and my family friends.

DETERMINATION
is the rule.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




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at 8:34 AM

Hello (: Dear diary!
Today's 23April, friday.
 wow, time flies fast enough, I last blogged on maybe.... last year?
Hahaha, alrights... let me sum up what had happened... so far...
Life's like a rollar coaster, a weighing scale.
It always balance. So what do i mean by that?
When one part of your life is empty, the other part will be filled.

For the past few months, i had been working like a dog, working off my ass to get the results that i want, to improve my self and to be the BEST.  Almost everyday i will go to woodlands library to study until 9pm, regardless of having the company of friends or myself.  i always try, never give up. If i know that i'm weak in something, i will find ways to improve it.  I began to understand myself more. I find myself sometimes behaving like an introvert, and now i'm looking for solutions to change my behaviour.  At times i find myself being tempermental with certain people and i do change my attitude too.

I earned a lost friend, i lost another friend, i try to catch up with all the great friends that don't really have the time to talk to me.  And i started to wonder why.
Why does all my friends, seem so distant?
Why does someone who treat me as a friend could hate me so suddenly?
Why do i shiver even before i'm up there talking?
Why am i so tired, so weak, or so useless, can't even wake up on time?
Why can't anyone understand that i need them at the moment they were about to go?

I begin to understand more things... that i have to live my life as my own, not for others, not even family,friends or boyfriend, it's for myself. I learnt to love certain people, bless certain people and pray for certain people. But sometimes i really don't understand certain things, or i just have the feeling that my parents will dislike it if i do certain things. I was held back by fear.
i felt like a weakling at times... there are moments which i really wished i was dead instead, but i was too gutless to even kill myself. i was thinking of self-mutating, but i didn't before i had a funny thought in my mind 'hey my skin is so beautiful why destroy it?' hahahs.  But that thought didn't really cheered me up as much i thought it would be. 

i found myself skipping school and being late to school more often. and that often antagonise my parents at times. i find them feeling disdain towards me-or more towards my attitude because they feel that it is unacceptable. When they pour so many negative comments at me i couldn't manage it well and ended up with overflowing tears. which actually disrupts my study mood for that day. Perhaps i couldn't help feeling worse, when i'm learning to be better. 

There are a lot of things going through in my head now, its quite textful for me to list everything out though... i'll just end here (: